A bit brave

Suffering from anxiety/depression is hard when everything else in your life is Okay but when you are faced with something catastrophic, all you can do is keep going. ‘It’s seven o’clock and I’m sitting in front of the sealed window again. I can’t work out whether I’m inside or out. I’m looking into the room but somehow feel that I’m the one in isolation. I’m the one on view.   Sunday evening and it’s time to leave. I wave to my grandson. He’s sitting on his dad’s knee, both motionless, both lethargic. My wife and daughter come through the forbidden door for a final hug and words of thanks. “I’ll be back next Friday and I’ll ring each day to see how he’s doing.” We all cling to each other, leaving many things unsaid. The astronaut climbs through the airlock, unable to open the second hatch until the first one is sealed. Alone now in his spacesuit, his private thoughts entomb him. Alone now only his own crisp breathing accompanies him. He walks slowly down the sloping...

What does it feel like when I’m depressed? Depression is not just feeling a little sad. I don’t want to get out of bed, just curl up and sleep. I don’t want to talk to anyone. All the humour is drained from my body.  I feel there is no hope and life seems pointless. I want to cry. I am filled with negative irrational thoughts and feel exhausted. What does it feel like to suffer from anxiety? My skin burns and I feel sick. My head spins and I feel dizzy. I can’t think straight, I am agitated and can’t keep still. My mouth is dry and I have to speak slowly to avoid showing my anxiety. My lips and face tighten and the muscles in my neck and side of my head stiffen and this brings on headaches. What does it feel like when I’m depressed and anxious? I just have to be on my own and cry. I feel like screaming and am bombarded by terrible, negative thoughts. I just want it to stop and feel I can’t bear it for another minute. I just want it all to end and I need to escape from t...

Things that are helping me get better Sleep Writing Exercise Listening to music Talking about how I feel Understanding my condition Being with friends and family. Being alone and letting my feelings go. Exercises that turn negative thoughts into positives. Singing in a choir Fine summer days Family and friends I love       Merry Christmas 

Ups and Downs Some days are harder than others and for some people just getting out of bed is an act of determination, if not bravery. Depression robs you of your resolution and swallows up your free will. It fills you with self-pity and prevents you from standing up for what you know is right and logical. You are reduced to childish thoughts and behaviour. If you let them, depression and anxiety can make you a coward even if it is just for a moment. So you live with a day by day experience. You celebrate when you survive your bad days and enjoy the normality of your good days. Being phobic about pain and injury is my biggest problem and challenge. When I'm at my worse my thoughts are quite visceral and my main outlet is poetry. Good Day                                      My heart lifts and I feel ...