A bit brave

  According to transactional analysis, we create a script between the ages of zero and five. This is called our life script. It is a script based on the perception that, in order to be safe or loved we need to ‘be’ a certain way. It is created in moments of distress when the young child is feeling scared and wants to make sure they stay alive. As babies, toddlers, and young children, we did not understand choices and consequences. However, we understood that certain behaviours made our main carers aware of us. This resulted in hugs, kindness, worrying, Nappy changes, or feeding from Mum and Dad. Our strategies worked! As adults, when we are confronted with a problem, we can either use the full power of our grown-up thinking or we can go into script, the one created long ago. If we move into script, we will make reality fit the world we created as infants. We may catastrophize our problem and maybe even lose the ability to interpret some aspects of the real issue objectively. So,

 It is possible to be in a crowd and feel utterly alone. It is possible to be in a group that is laughing but feel alone. It is possible to live your life and never feel that you belong. At one time or another, I have felt like this, but no one would know. I was taught at a very young age to hide my deepest worries and feelings but now trying to be more open is extremely hard. I want to talk about how I feel because until I do, conversations about other things seem pointless and irrelevant. This may sound selfish but is paramount in my attempt at recovery. I work with an outstanding counsellor who has identified the intense loneliness that I feel when I’m low and he is my safety valve. I can talk at AMC and that is helpful, but it doesn’t relieve those deeper feelings. For two hours I can feel part of something important and am surrounded by men who want to listen and help. If I can be proactive in a group, I can make people laugh and at times help them with their problems which also l