My Transactional Analysis script.

 

According to transactional analysis, we create a script between the ages of zero and five. This is called our life script. It is a script based on the perception that, in order to be safe or loved we need to ‘be’ a certain way. It is created in moments of distress when the young child is feeling scared and wants to make sure they stay alive.

As babies, toddlers, and young children, we did not understand choices and consequences. However, we understood that certain behaviours made our main carers aware of us. This resulted in hugs, kindness, worrying, Nappy changes, or feeding from Mum and Dad. Our strategies worked!

As adults, when we are confronted with a problem, we can either use the full power of our grown-up thinking or we can go into script, the one created long ago. If we move into script, we will make reality fit the world we created as infants. We may catastrophize our problem and maybe even lose the ability to interpret some aspects of the real issue objectively.

So, what is my script and how did it come about? My mother was a school cleaner, and I went with her to the school when I was very young. Too young. I couldn’t say no so I put on a brave face. It felt lonely and it was dark and forbidding in the winter. I had to be brave and not speak of my fear. It was best not to talk about my worries because no one did that in my family. I have lived with this unspoken fear but have denied it all my life. I did not speak of it until it poured out of me during my breakdown, thirty years ago.  I saw myself as brave and strong but within me, my child was uncertain and unsupported. I spent much of my first five years with my mother but looking back, our relationship seemed superficial. I was uncomfortable with my life but had to appear brave.

This script was reinforced when I couldn’t read. I kept the worry to myself and didn’t confide in anyone. I tried to ignore the worries and concentrate on the things that I was good at. I had no one to confide in and I certainly couldn’t tell my Mum and Dad. They wouldn’t understand and anyway, what could they do?  I would wait in dread for the next reading episode then try to brush it off as though it didn’t matter. Emotions were rarely shown or discussed in my family. My dad encouraged me to be like my brother Harry who was bright and joked his way through life. ‘Don’t be like Jack the black sheep of the family.’ I modelled myself on Harry and that made my dad happy. Making dad happy was important. It was like being in a play where everyone was witty and funny. Today it feels so artificial. No one ever got angry, and my parents used distraction to stop strong emotions from erupting. I learned to laugh and pretend to be strong. My dad admired his brave young son, and that was all that mattered.

As an adult, I took on the role of provider and supporter. I did not discuss my fears because this was inappropriate as husband and father. Today even with my mental health problems I rarely discuss how I feel. I am expected to be brave and strong. My parents would expect this. My wife expects this and my child within expects this. So, what is my script? In a nutshell. 1, Be brave, 2, behave in ways that bring you love and admiration, 3, don’t talk about your fears, and 4, relish the joy that sport can bring.

How has this affected me?

Being brave.

1.      Brave meant being alone.

2.      Brave was not complaining.

3.      Brave was pleasing my parents, particularly my dad.

4.      Brave was being strong and able to fight.

5.      Brave was denying my fears.

Being loved

1.      Was doing what my parents told me.

2.      Was making my parents proud.

3.      Was making my parents laugh.

4.      Was not complaining.

5.      Was holding in all the negatives and never asking for support or talking about the fears inside me.

6.      Was living with an emptiness inside. Feeling hollow. Feeling frightened.

Being childlike

1.      I am alone, abandoned.

2.      I am uncertain.

3.      I need to be admired but there were no expectations from my mother and only in sport from my father.  

4.      I need to hide my weaknesses because they shame me.

5.      I am not good enough.

Being alive

1.      Was enjoying sport.

2.      Was being outstanding at sports.

3.      Was needing to be strong and challenge the world around me.

4.      Was feeling the utter joy of letting my body speak for me.

5.      Was allowing sport to let me shine, to fly.