Unease

 

Unease

All my life I have lived with a feeling of unease. I’m sure it has come from when I was very young but troubles in my life have made it worse. I think that the little boy needed to be told everything was alright and he was safe but that never happened. When I feel anxious now, it is coming from that little boy, and I have to let him know he is safe. Looking back I can remember moments when I felt upset and didn’t know why. My Mum was playing patience on the kitchen table, and I had my toys on the floor. Just the two of us neither speaking. The house was silent and I should have felt safe but I felt edgy. That all changed when my dad and brothers came home because the house was suddenly full of noise and activity. When I was fourteen I remember waiting at school for a friend before going home. It was winter and a dull early evening, and I suddenly felt down. These moments occurred throughout my life until the anxiety and depression appeared with full force when I was in my forties. The moments that trigger my emotions remain but need to be resolved if I am to recover. I have to address this haunted feeling but am finding it hard. I have to find reassurance from the present and take control of these feelings. I will try comparing the past and the present. The good and the bad. I will take the helicopter view and look down on the troubled little boy. I will help him feel differently.

 

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