Dealing with a phobia about pain.

It is hard to explain, to anyone who doesn’t suffer, the illogicality of a phobia, how mine came about and how it affects me. Some people can’t go into confined spaces and I can see how that can happen. I have never been afraid of spiders but I can understand why some people are. They are alien creatures that can appear from nowhere and move like lightning. There are people who are phobic about ill health and go to extremes in avoiding ‘germs’ and the people who might carry them. This was hard for me to understand until I developed anxiety associated with pain and injury. This phobia seems a little more abstract than many but how and why it happened was incremental and perfectly understandable to me, if not anyone else. It began when I was diagnosed with severe stress and told to rest. I was perfectly relaxed about this but too exhausted to get out of bed. Suddenly I was faced with the prospect of losing the job I had worked hard for over many years. I knew I had to go back to work but was in no condition to do so. This was the beginning of a nightmare for me. I felt vulnerable and weak and suddenly I was having panic attacks. I was 44 and until that day had never experienced mental health problems. My response was to make myself strong and fit again and challenge myself to go back to work. In retrospect, this was not the wisest thing to do since returning to a demanding job while trying to recover from severe anxiety only served to prolong my problems. I exercised regularly and built up my strength so I could feel invincible and keep my anxiety at bay. Unfortunately, when I was in pain through injury, I would experience severe anxiety and panic attacks because I felt vulnerable and unable to cope. Each injury would take me instantly back to that moment when I lay in bed exhausted feeling trapped by a situation I had no control over and everything I had worked for seemed to be slipping through my fingers. This is how I have lived my life for the past thirty years. I have done all I wanted to do because I would not let the anxiety stop me. I held down a tough job for twelve years, I supported my family through difficult times and faced my fears but this illogical reaction remains a permanent feature of my life. 

PHYSICAL PAIN

Pain is the willing servant of my angst.

It pierces my flesh and sets wild thoughts in motion.

Caught in the headlights, paralysed by fear

I am a slave to my emotions and irrationality.

I cannot ignore this stinging assault, since it will press me to the floor until I submit.

It will make my world smaller and smaller, until I disappear.

I want to curl into a ball and shrink to nothing.

But if I let pain win, it will blur my vision and kill my hope.

I will fight my pain with reason.

Being brave and logical protect me from oblivion.