Being Close

Five weeks into lockdown and many people are struggling. We all miss our routines, going to work, meeting friends but also having personal space. Most people will find this situation hard but those with mental problems are most vulnerable. I am missing the connections that mean so much to me and help me cope with this illness. Physical contact is confined to those we share the lockdown with but there are others who I would like to be with and hold. This would give me comfort but also give comfort to them.

I always felt a little alone until I met my future wife when we were both 14 years old. From then on I had a connection that was unbreakable and that feeling of loneliness left me. My brother’s death brought back some of those feelings. For me, it marks the end of an era because as a young boy my parents and two brothers were my universe. My feelings are naturally raw and long-forgotten memories flood my mind with vivid images of my childhood. So this week I have felt quite low but I also know that in a few days I will feel less empty and, content with my memories, will move forward. I know that this will happen because, at my age, this is a well-worn path.

 Depression leads you to only see the negatives, what one is missing. However, like everyone else I am trying to keep those important connections going, all be it, in a less physical way. I join Andy’s Man Club on a Monday night and talk through the video conference app. It helps but somehow is no substitute for sitting in a room together. The discussion is candid and does allow me to get things into the open but for me, it’s not quite the same. It’s an important outlet and there will be men who find it invaluable, even a lifesaver.

I join the Higher Self group run by my friend Shaun and have made new friends. Men and women get the chance to express their feelings and confide in each other. There is also a strong sense of being close and supported. People praise each other for trying to cope and show gratitude and affection which lifts the spirit. In both groups, you can be open and honest about your problems and this is what defines them. You don’t have to smile and pretend everything’s Okay and for a short time, you feel less lonely.

It is a joy to be able to talk to my daughters and their families using zoom but I miss that physical contact that can melt away my fears and offer my love. There is no substitute for the normal closeness we have and it is this that makes me want to see an end to lockdown. In the meantime, like everyone else, I smile for the camera and feel a visceral loss deep inside me.