I can't believe I did it.

It’s mental health week, so this is a good time for me to talk about my life and my struggle with depression and anxiety. My life has been, as the football commentator says, a game of two halves. Until I was forty-four, I had no mental health problems and I dealt with some very difficult periods in my life quite successfully. I had two lovely and loving daughters, one at University and one taking ‘A levels’.  I had first-class honours from Loughborough College and taught P.E., Maths, and history and early promotions allowed me to become a head of a large department at the age of twenty-six. After a few years, I became bored with my job and felt I needed new challenges. To move into management I was advised to take an academic degree and so spent a number of year taking a ‘B.A.’ with the Open University. At thirty-eight, I became a deputy head in a large comprehensive school and with my ambition to eventually become a headteacher I attended Leeds University part-time to gain an M.Ed. So I was ready for the next step, Headship. I had a keen eye for what was needed to improve the quality of education in a school and good management skills. The world was my oyster.

During 1990, a number of things happened that severely challenged my ability to cope. I won’t detail here what I went through but simply say, I was trapped in a situation, not of my making and my personality was such that I couldn’t step back. I continued to persevere with pressures placed upon me and eventually, the skin on my forehead began to peel and I felt exhausted all the time. My doctor diagnosed severe stress and ordered me to rest. It was when I was off work that when the panic attacks began and suddenly my world had changed. I had six weeks off work followed by the summer holidays and after that, I was determined to go back to work. I was about to embark on a new journey that made my early life seem easy. Since my boss had been made to retire, I was asked to run the school. I explained to the Chairman of governors how I was feeling and we agreed I should act as interim head until Christmas. If by then I was feeling better I could apply for the post along with any other candidates. The night before the school re-opened I didn’t sleep at all and when I entered the staff room my heart was racing and my skin was burning. I didn’t know whether I would last the day but I had to try. The next twelve years were a mixture of triumph and tragedy, as I worked to improve the school while dealing with my mental illness.