Surviving each Day



I had no idea how long I would be able to continue as a Headteacher, given the problems I was dealing with. I did what many people with mental health issues do. I took one day at a time. I would begin each day at school feeling anxious. I had to speak slowly and carefully to hide my anxiety and when at my worst, would use techniques I had learned, to calm my body and hence my mind. There was much to do to make the innovations needed to improve the school and this was an enormous help in distracting me from my illness. As the day went on, absorbed in my work, I would begin to feel better. In one sense, I was running ahead of my anxiety. Keeping busy was my way of coping with my feelings. I realise now that this wasn’t necessarily a good coping mechanism but it allowed me to keep going. I was doing a challenging job but a worthwhile one. This was good for my self-esteem and kept me buoyant. I had good support from two very capable deputies but there was a really big job to do and I knew that institutional change would take a minimum of five years. So some days were exhausting and I would drive home at the end of the day feeling I had run a marathon. My legs and shoulders would ache and, on bad days, I would burst into tears as I drove.  The crying was therapeutic and by the time I arrived home I could raise a smile for my daughter and wife. Another school day survived but there was still the evening and night to get through before I started again.

Comments

  1. David RyanMay 22, 2020 at 6:04 AM

    Know that situation, pre lockdown that was exactly me. Hopefully I can do something about it rather than continue the nightmare longer than necessary. Could be worse, imagine. Could and will be a lot better if I make it so! This is the attitude that gets me through the torment of another day of unhappiness but could be much much worse. God helps when all else fails

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  2. A bit braveMay 24, 2020 at 4:36 AM

    I believe that most people with anxiety feel this way. Knowing that makes me feel less alone. We both have the capacity to control if not conquer this. We can step outside the feelings and rationalise our illness which is so important to recovery.

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