Dealing with Triggers

When I was first ill, if I suddenly felt tired or if my back hurt, I would have a panic attack. I was quite clear where the anxiety was coming from but didn’t know how to deal with this reaction. The first panic attack I experienced came on a day when I was in bed exhausted from stress but needing to be well, so I could get back to work. This was pressure I was putting on myself but couldn’t see or accept any alternative. I felt exhausted and vulnerable but couldn’t look rationally at the situation. At that moment I felt I was trapped. Since then I have coped with my illness by trying to keep super fit. While I was physically fit I could keep the triggers at bay by feeling strong and avoiding injuries. I had other triggers that could make me feel anxious and depressed but not in the extreme way exhaustion and back pain did. I dealt with those triggers differently but the panic attacks were my priority. When younger, the need to keep active and fit wasn’t a problem. Running, swimming and playing games provided me with a psychological defence. I would try to make myself feel invincible but if I caught flu or my back went or at the end of term, if I felt utterly exhausted, my world would crumble. Despite everything I did or achieved I was transported back to when I was first ill.

As I aged, I couldn’t maintain this approach. I couldn’t exercise or play games like I’d done when younger. I had to address the underlying problems I had faced for over thirty years. I found CBT helpful but the process was slow and something of a roller coaster. I’d think I was making progress but then would find myself back at square one. I would cope with a painful back for a while but when I didn’t get better the anxiety and depression returned. At first, I would try to be logical about what was happening. My positives thoughts were: ‘This will get better. This won’t kill me. I don’t need to worry about being fit because I’m not vulnerable.’ I could think these things and write these thoughts down but somehow they did not penetrate to how I felt inside. I eventually reached a point where my pain and injuries did not produce panic attacks and I suppose that was progress. When injured I would feel down because I couldn’t be active and I’d feel a general anxiety. I was still reacting to what had happened thirty years ago. Recently I have come to realise that I’m trying too hard to be the man I was and setting impossible targets for myself.  I have begun to accept that I can only do a limited amount and that pacing myself takes away much of the pressure I feel. I now compare myself to other people my age and I realise that I’m doing okay. When in pain I say to myself, ‘this is what it’s like to be old, many of my friends feel like this’. This is helping me to feel differently and calm down my triggers. Some days it works well, others not so well but I hope that in time it will prove effective. Acceptance is the key.