When life gets in the way.



All those people who suffer from mental illness will know what I mean when I say sometimes life gets in the way. You can be going along very nicely, feeling that you are getting somewhere, and then suddenly everything changes. We have now been in lockdown for 17 weeks and I feel I have coped very well. I have found things to do which I enjoy in the garden or around the house and working closely with my wife we have found a regime that keeps me on an even keel. I have had regular Internet meetings with family, friends, and choir and have largely been in a good place. I was happy to go to the supermarket and any essential shop so that I could shield my wife. What I didn’t anticipate was that over the past three months my wife has been in pain with her back and like many people our age she has soldiered on. Paracetamol and ibuprofen, initially prescribed by the doctor over the phone, was helping until she slipped and suddenly was in agony. She told every doctor that she suffered from osteoporosis but no one ordered an x-ray. It took us five more weeks to see a doctor who thought it advisable for my wife to have an x-ray. When we rang the hospital someone at the end of the phone said they probably wouldn’t provide an x-ray at the moment because of the pandemic. This was Friday afternoon. On Saturday afternoon, my wife was in so much pain we called an ambulance and she was taken to hospital. Even then the doctor thought my wife’s problems were muscular and was reluctant to give her an x-ray. She insisted and the results were quite clear. She had fractured one or more of her lumbar vertebrae. I sat in the car park for two hours waiting to see what would happen. No pain relief was offered. Since then, an experienced doctor has been slowly increasing my wife’s pain relief but progress is slow since all the medication has upset her stomach. She suffers from Sjogren’s syndrome and this is just another factor that we have to deal with. The doctor will provide new medicine for my wife’s osteoporosis but only after the pandemic is over. In the meantime, she is taking codeine and spends most of her time sleeping. I know that when they finally get the right dose of painkiller she will be able to function again but this may take some time.
So how am I? This has been a very worrying time for me and so hard to see my wife in such pain. The frustrations associated with lockdown and the isolation this has brought has left me very angry. Probably the hardest part of all this is how tired I feel trying to look after my wife, cook, shop, and smile. Most mornings I feel like crying and have not felt this way for a good time. I’m trying not to catastrophise and reassure myself that things will get better. I am trying to be brave because that’s what my wife needs and as the day goes on I usually feel better. I have friends who tell me I am strong and will get through this. This is my hope and expectation.

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