Always pretending.

 


‘Depressed people don’t pretend to be ill, they pretend to be well.’

Lockdown has come and gone and I have survived it quite well. Everyone was in the same position, enjoying the Summertime, with sunshine and long days. I was able to help my wife when she fractured her spine and generally, I felt calm and purposeful. Now life has changed again. People are back at work, shops are open and life is moving on. So why do I feel worse? Why do I feel left behind? I am finding that for me nothing is normal. I continue to shield my wife but both my daughters are still in lockdown because of where they live. After six months of inactivity, my body is experiencing extra pain and this adds to my anxiety. I have begun swimming again but it’s not a relaxing experience. Distancing is still the order of the day, in the changing room, and the pool. Going out for a coffee is a tortuous affair with social distancing while queuing and people wearing masks inappropriately or not at all. So each day I feel anxious and down and all I can do is try to wait it out. I have no inclination to do anything and my tears lie just under the surface. For those around me, I have looked exactly the same for the last six months and what they can’t see is the battle raging inside me.

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