Blip or Going Backwards

 

 


No matter how well you feel, with mental health, there is always the possibility of regressing. During the lockdown, I have had to face many restrictions on my life. I have done this reasonably well and felt some achievement in ‘not going under.’ I have helped my wife through some difficult times and the experience has been exhausting. I now have a long list of good things that will be happening in a month’s time. I will be able to swim again. I will be able to go to Andy's Man Club again. I will see my family again. I might be able to play golf again. You would think that this would make me happy but a month is a long time to be waiting when you feel down or anxious. So today my mental health has dipped and I am doing what I always do, thinking the worst. I didn’t sleep well last night and for a week now I have been dogged by the most debilitating headaches. I look back over the past two years and I know that I am in a much better place now but there is still that niggling doubt that I am going backward. There is no logic to this feeling, but nevertheless, it feels so real. I am catastrophizing like many people I know who find themselves in this position. It’s hard to see the long term because anxiety is all about the moment. You have to be able to see beyond that moment, and the best way of doing that is to talk to someone who can offer common-sense counsel. Today, it is raining and my wife is suffering from her covid vaccine. So I am alone with my thoughts and have sat down to write this blog until I can find someone to talk to. I am sure in a few days I will wonder what all the fuss was about but for the moment I feel lost. I am not in a black hole or despairing for my future but I know there are many people out there who understand the pain I am feeling and would offer words of reassurance, not to themselves, but to me.

Comments

  1. David RyanMarch 16, 2021 at 1:31 AM

    Come on Dick, you are my dear friend and I understand your comments because I go through the very same episodes. It will pass and you are never actually alone in your sadness

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. A bit braveMarch 16, 2021 at 1:00 PM

      Of course you are right David, and salvation lies in the recognition that even in the worst moments things will get better. The more you experience this the more certain you become but in that critical moment there is always self doubt.

      Delete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Isaac's Birthday

 It is that time of year again. Dark and short days and cold weather keeping us indoors. We can look forward to Christmas and for some, there is pleasure in the anticipation of family celebrations and the reaching of the shortest day with a promise of spring to come. But Christmas can be hard for many people. Those who are struggling to keep warm, those on the streets, and those who are dealing with illness and loss. There will be people on their own and people who are struggling with depression who can see little joy in the world around them. For me and those I love, Christmas is a time for celebrating but also remembering. Christmas and birthdays were Isaac’s great love and now he has been taken from us it is easy to believe that those wonderful days are somehow tarnished. His excitement was infectious, and we all bathed in his childlike delight. It’s almost two years since we lost Isaac and today would have been his 25 th birthday. I miss him so much and feel very down this morning
Read more

Decorating

 Just when I think I’m getting a grip on my mental health, I find circumstances change and I’m plunged into a mental crisis. It started with an innocuous agreement that we needed a new couch. That didn’t seem too bad, but it didn’t end there. We have now bought a new couch to be delivered on the 30 th of November, a new carpet to be delivered on the 15 th of November, and a new chair, to be delivered on the 27 th of November. We had the old fireplace removed, the chimney breast replastered, and a new fire surround fitted in October. My wife has painted all the walls in the long sitting room/diner and my role included the removal of the carpets and underlay and taking them to the recycling centre. Also, all the books and small furniture had to be carried upstairs and now fill the landing and spare room.  I thought that if we brought in professional help and did not try to do everything ourselves, I would cope much better, but I found myself in a very anxious state this morning. Tryin
Read more

AMC the patchwork quilt

 Andy’s Man Club is like a patchwork quilt. It is made up of lots of different bits that come together to make something positive and functional. Last night I talked to people suffering from grief, family problems, physical ill health, and deep emotional trauma. Some had little to say, and some spoke at length. Most men in the group were gentle types who might not speak out in other situations. Some are content that their comments, brief as they are, are taken seriously and advice given. Often advice is redundant since they just need to say out loud how they are feeling. Those of us who are in long-term therapy can talk endlessly about the small steps we are taking to recover from childhood trauma. It is fascinating to listen to each contribution and to know we are making a difference. It is always good to meet new members but also to rotate people in the groups so that we all get to know each other. Not everyone moves groups because the lead Facilitator understands that some people ne
Read more