Where am I now?

I have suffered from anxiety and depression for over 30 years. For most of that time, I have managed my illness and enjoyed some good times. My illness has never stopped me from doing anything. I have tried to keep my life as active as possible. Three or four years ago, I was spending every day redecorating the house and found myself getting more and more anxious. This was the beginning of a new period in my life when I was consumed by my illness. My actions would seem extreme to many people, as I would drive off in the morning, tears running down my face or I would stay in bed all day. For the past couple of years, I have made a slow recovery with the help of my psychiatrist. I get out of bed every morning at nine and with the exception of my relaxation session, I stay out of bed all day. I have continued to do this during the lockdown and in some ways, my life being more restricted, allowed me to stay in equilibrium.

I am at my worst in the mornings and this is when I feel I need to complete my thought records. As the day goes on I find that I usually improve and feel almost normal in the evenings. For some time I have felt that my life lacks real purpose but I’m not sure whether this is true or just my mental illness. Certainly, the mornings can feel empty but I have developed a routine that helps me get through the day. I watch a little television and then drive to the Co-op to get some groceries. I do this every day. I have a number of activities that can lift my mood and fill my days. Going to my health club and having a swim and a coffee twice a week is extremely beneficial. Singing twice a week in a choir also helps me keep on an even keel. On a Monday night, I attend Andy’s Man Club where I can talk to like-minded men about my problems. It also helps because as a facilitator I can give something back. I miss playing golf and am still hoping to start again as my arms are improving. Being in lockdown has not allowed me to maintain my fitness and this has created some problems for me when I exercise. Although I am now singing again and going to the gym, my life is not back to normal and at the moment these activities are tainted by all the restrictions and the possibility of catching Covid and passing it to my wife. Overall, despite all the negatives, I feel I am making progress. I understand the progress will never be a straight line and I will experience setbacks. 

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