A Letter to my dad

 

You’ve been gone for some time now, but I am still full of grief and emotion when I think of you. I know we were close for the 38 years we had together, and I held you in great regard. You gave me good advice and an example to follow but the family ethos and culture were poisonous to me. You could have saved me from the darkness and worry but were not equipped to do so. We sang together, enjoyed football together and you offered me respect and love, but I couldn’t ask for what I needed because that wasn’t acceptable in a family that laughed all the time. I was encouraged to be like my brother Harry but not like Jack. Harry conformed to all that you and mum valued. He was bright, sociable, and self-confident. So, I tried to be a carbon copy of Harry without the underlying confidence to carry it off. Jack was a rebel, and I could have gained much being like him. Standing up for what I believed in, arguing my case, and being prepared to be disliked were qualities I needed. Being a pale imitation of Harry may have pleased you and mam but did nothing for me. Harry seemed unconcerned about his terrible acne whereas for me it was torture. But I learned to smile through it. Harry also had no anxiety about reading. You told me that Harry could read the newspaper when he was three. You were proud of this and so you should be but how did that make me feel, since all my life I had trouble reading. Jack just didn’t bother with reading. He wasn’t interested in doing well at school and was his own man. Much of my anxiety has come from accepting the conventional route offered by my parents and school, following the rules, and pleasing everyone but myself. It is hard to be confident when you are uncertain of who you are and what you stand for. So, I projected an image and lived up to that image, and today this is the man that people see. Strong, resilient, and highly capable. I’ve had a successful career and brought up two lovely daughters. This is the man I turn to when I’m down and anxious. This is the man I present to the world but now I understand that I am more than this man. There is nowhere for me to hide from the childhood that created anxiety and doubt. I don’t expect you to understand what I am saying since you are a man of your time. For all your faults you loved me and did your best and I am grateful for that.

Comments

  1. AnonymousJuly 3, 2022 at 5:38 AM

    I understand totally where you are coming from, as I feel the same. In my eyes you were the high achiever of the three brothers, and stuck to your core beliefs.

    ReplyDelete

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