A Conversation with myself

Adult: Why do you haunt me with your fears?

Child: They are your fears as well, but you always try to run away.

Adult: What do you mean?

Child: When I need you, you go off and sing or swim or play golf. Anything but talking to me and giving me reassurance.

Adult: But I don’t know how to do that. I only know how to pretend that everything’s OK. To laugh things off or keep busy. I was taught that men are strong and show a brave face to the world so when the anxiety comes, you are on your own. When I’m busy I can forget about you.

Child: But in time that won’t help either of us. I need to tell everyone how I feel but you won’t let me. I need to tell you how I feel.

Adult: But I am improving at that. I let you talk to the Samaritans, to the therapist, and sometimes at AMC.

Child: You don’t let me. When you are tearful you can’t stop me. You need me to speak out just like I need you to be strong. Am I an embarrassment to you?

ADULT: No no, I love you, but I’m not equipped to make you comfortable. I don’t know how to make you feel safe. Pretending to feel strong and optimistic is all I know. I’ve never learned anything else.

Child: No matter what face you present to the world you have to own these feelings if we are to get better. You have to accept me and let me tell you, and the world, about why I can feel so wretched. Can you remember the holiday trip to Wales when you thought there was something wrong with the car clutch? You worried all the time that the car would break down and we’d be stranded. You didn’t tell your wife and you pretended to be enjoying yourself, but my stomach was churning. I was pleased when we finally got home, and I think you were as well.

Adult: Yes, you are right. I was pleased to get home, but Kay and the kids enjoyed themselves and that’s all that matters.

Child: But that’s not all that matters. I get anxious and I need you to support me like you do your wife and family. I get frightened and feel alone just like Kay, but you put me on one side. You might give me the power to think and keep things in proportion so don’t abandon me. We are both living with a traumatic past.

Adult: Yes, about that. I only know what you tell me because I wasn’t there. I’ll try to support you, but your anxiety can be overwhelming and all-consuming, and it makes me want to run away. You and I are one so I can’t abandon you and anyway you are the one who holds all the answers. I am left guessing what causes my panic attacks but I expect you already know.  

 

 

 

  

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Isaac's Birthday

 It is that time of year again. Dark and short days and cold weather keeping us indoors. We can look forward to Christmas and for some, there is pleasure in the anticipation of family celebrations and the reaching of the shortest day with a promise of spring to come. But Christmas can be hard for many people. Those who are struggling to keep warm, those on the streets, and those who are dealing with illness and loss. There will be people on their own and people who are struggling with depression who can see little joy in the world around them. For me and those I love, Christmas is a time for celebrating but also remembering. Christmas and birthdays were Isaac’s great love and now he has been taken from us it is easy to believe that those wonderful days are somehow tarnished. His excitement was infectious, and we all bathed in his childlike delight. It’s almost two years since we lost Isaac and today would have been his 25 th birthday. I miss him so much and feel very down this morning
Read more

Decorating

 Just when I think I’m getting a grip on my mental health, I find circumstances change and I’m plunged into a mental crisis. It started with an innocuous agreement that we needed a new couch. That didn’t seem too bad, but it didn’t end there. We have now bought a new couch to be delivered on the 30 th of November, a new carpet to be delivered on the 15 th of November, and a new chair, to be delivered on the 27 th of November. We had the old fireplace removed, the chimney breast replastered, and a new fire surround fitted in October. My wife has painted all the walls in the long sitting room/diner and my role included the removal of the carpets and underlay and taking them to the recycling centre. Also, all the books and small furniture had to be carried upstairs and now fill the landing and spare room.  I thought that if we brought in professional help and did not try to do everything ourselves, I would cope much better, but I found myself in a very anxious state this morning. Tryin
Read more

AMC the patchwork quilt

 Andy’s Man Club is like a patchwork quilt. It is made up of lots of different bits that come together to make something positive and functional. Last night I talked to people suffering from grief, family problems, physical ill health, and deep emotional trauma. Some had little to say, and some spoke at length. Most men in the group were gentle types who might not speak out in other situations. Some are content that their comments, brief as they are, are taken seriously and advice given. Often advice is redundant since they just need to say out loud how they are feeling. Those of us who are in long-term therapy can talk endlessly about the small steps we are taking to recover from childhood trauma. It is fascinating to listen to each contribution and to know we are making a difference. It is always good to meet new members but also to rotate people in the groups so that we all get to know each other. Not everyone moves groups because the lead Facilitator understands that some people ne
Read more