Where's the Man in the Suit?

 

Where’s the Man in the suit?

I am undergoing psychodynamic therapy and once a week I spend my time exploring the traumas of my past and the person I am today. I find myself talking about my inner child who is responsible for the pain I am feeling and the man in the suit who represents the man that people see (The Headteacher as I was). This man is strong and resourceful. This is the man who has seen his wife and family through difficult times. This is the man who has faced his worse fears and got on with his life. When I tried Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, this man was easy to locate because he provided the rationality needed to find the positives. What CBT couldn’t help me with was connecting the child to the adult and that was the only way I thought I might deal with my phobia about pain and injury. To some people, this may sound like psychobabble, but it makes sense to me.  At the moment the psychodynamic therapy seems more about the wretchedness of the child and the man in the suit is detached from the process. I feel that I am complaining about my life and past, and I’m just whining, with none of my usual bravery evident. I understand that this is a necessary process to remove the emotional pain that directly or indirectly contributes to the physical pain I am feeling. It is the child who speaks for me and not the man in the suit and I understand that these two facets of my personality desperately need to talk and support each other.  My therapist asked me, 'So where is the man in the suit?' My breakdown at 44 may help to answer this question. It was the strong man who couldn’t cope, who stupidly tried to do everything and then went under. Why should he now have a say in my recovery? He was an imposter and let me down. He let my childhood fears take over. He let the fear run riot through my brain. The helpless child had no one to love him and tell him everything would be OK. He felt abandoned. This fracture is why I suffer today and it’s clear to me that if I am to get better the child must be braver and the man in the suit kinder to himself. Wish me luck because if it works this will be like winning the lottery. In the meantime, I spend my Monday nights at Andy's Man Club. Coping with my wife being bedbound because of another break in her spine, coping with the death of my Grandson eight months ago, still overwhelmingly raw at times, and coping with back pain that refuses to improve, stops me from swimming and leaves me bumping along on the bottom of the riverbed. In the short term, my therapy may be making me worse but I am managing because I know I have support and fellowship from all my friends at AMC. When I leave to come home after the meeting I am lifted and encouraged. I feel that I couldn't cope with everything without this amazing organisation. When I get through all this and feel better I will continue to attend AMC to give back all I have been given.    

 

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