Surviving the hard Weeks

 

My daughter told me that when things are bad for everyone, I don’t have to pretend that everything will be OK. She said, it’s OK not to be OK, and I don’t have to play the protective father.  I thought that this was sound advice, and it represented a different way of looking at my world. It was later that I realised my words of encouragement were meant to cheer me up. I have grown up always expecting to look on the bright side, laugh things off, and keep my emotions in check. Look where that’s got me! Thirty years of depression and anxiety. The CBT therapy I have undergone seems to suit me because finding the positives in any situation, is what I do. So, what’s the problem? There are things about my character that prevent me from making decisions that will improve my life. There aren’t always positives to find in some situations and the more appropriate response would be anger or acceptance. I understand that if I just dismiss things, they will come back to bite me but I have suppressed my anger for so long that I often don’t recognise when I’m angry. So now I am trying something different to CBT in the hope that I can change how I feel about life and the different parts of my character. The construct of man and child continues to prove useful. The man everyone sees is in conflict with the child who feels neglected and anxious. The child feels the pain while the man is saying everything is OK. The last two therapy sessions have been quite disturbing because I was extremely angry and tearful. The child in me kept saying that everything was unfair. I am worried that although the therapy will help me in time, in the short term it is making matters worse. I am strong enough to keep going but the past few weeks have tested my resolve. My routines have been disrupted by medical appointments, and on Tuesday my wife and I waited all day for our car to be collected for its service and no one came. Nothing’s quite gone right this week, and we have both found things hard to manage. So, I’m writing this blog feeling very low and very angry. I’ve lost my grandson, and nothing in this world can compensate me for that (That’s not fair). My wife is dealing with multiple health problems and every day is a challenge for her  (That’s not fair). I have lived with a bad back for nine months and have arthritis in my feet that is painful when I walk (That’s not fair). I am feeling sorry for myself, angry, and frustrated. Three more days to my AMC meeting and four days until I talk to my therapist. Tonight, I will be singing, and despite all my perceived problems, I have a loving and supportive family. I know I am not alone and that does help. I will get through this, and life will be better again.  

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Isaac's Birthday

 It is that time of year again. Dark and short days and cold weather keeping us indoors. We can look forward to Christmas and for some, there is pleasure in the anticipation of family celebrations and the reaching of the shortest day with a promise of spring to come. But Christmas can be hard for many people. Those who are struggling to keep warm, those on the streets, and those who are dealing with illness and loss. There will be people on their own and people who are struggling with depression who can see little joy in the world around them. For me and those I love, Christmas is a time for celebrating but also remembering. Christmas and birthdays were Isaac’s great love and now he has been taken from us it is easy to believe that those wonderful days are somehow tarnished. His excitement was infectious, and we all bathed in his childlike delight. It’s almost two years since we lost Isaac and today would have been his 25 th birthday. I miss him so much and feel very down this morning
Read more

Decorating

 Just when I think I’m getting a grip on my mental health, I find circumstances change and I’m plunged into a mental crisis. It started with an innocuous agreement that we needed a new couch. That didn’t seem too bad, but it didn’t end there. We have now bought a new couch to be delivered on the 30 th of November, a new carpet to be delivered on the 15 th of November, and a new chair, to be delivered on the 27 th of November. We had the old fireplace removed, the chimney breast replastered, and a new fire surround fitted in October. My wife has painted all the walls in the long sitting room/diner and my role included the removal of the carpets and underlay and taking them to the recycling centre. Also, all the books and small furniture had to be carried upstairs and now fill the landing and spare room.  I thought that if we brought in professional help and did not try to do everything ourselves, I would cope much better, but I found myself in a very anxious state this morning. Tryin
Read more

AMC the patchwork quilt

 Andy’s Man Club is like a patchwork quilt. It is made up of lots of different bits that come together to make something positive and functional. Last night I talked to people suffering from grief, family problems, physical ill health, and deep emotional trauma. Some had little to say, and some spoke at length. Most men in the group were gentle types who might not speak out in other situations. Some are content that their comments, brief as they are, are taken seriously and advice given. Often advice is redundant since they just need to say out loud how they are feeling. Those of us who are in long-term therapy can talk endlessly about the small steps we are taking to recover from childhood trauma. It is fascinating to listen to each contribution and to know we are making a difference. It is always good to meet new members but also to rotate people in the groups so that we all get to know each other. Not everyone moves groups because the lead Facilitator understands that some people ne
Read more