Climbing the Mountain

 

As a teenager, when out bike riding with my mates, I was always the one who got to the top of the hill first. That was part of my character. Get the job done then I could relax. I have carried this attitude throughout my life; it is a real positive in many ways. When I became depressed and was robbed of my drive and determination, I sought help, believing that getting to the top of the hill was still my priority. I wasn’t good at relaxing, but I could see no problem with that. I wanted to be cured of my depression so I could get back to ‘normal’. My recent CBT therapy was useful because it allowed me to dismiss the negatives and search for the positives. It was my kind of therapy because it had a built-in plan and progression. I wanted to get better but change nothing about myself. The CBT was useful in a number of ways and let me consider the good things in my life and expect improvements. CBT has helped and continues to help many people with mental illness, but I felt I had taken the technique as far as I could, but it was there in my toolbox if I needed it. I was advised that CBT was not designed to let me understand the childhood traumas that might have created my illness. It was about dealing with the here and now. Having read the book ‘The Body Keeps the Score’ about recovering from trauma, I decided I should consider how my childhood has dictated my life. So, I have begun psycho-dynamic counselling to see if it helps me to understand and deal with my illness. The man who likes to get to the top of the hill as quickly as possible is finding life extremely hard because the hill feels more like a mountain and there is no quick way to the top. There are no roads or maps so this is a slow and bewildering journey, a floundering through unidentified emotions. The pace of change is minuscule; sometimes I feel I am going backward. Keeping busy, looking on the bright side, or pretending everything is OK are no longer options for me. I am going through an organic process where there is no way to judge progress. I am learning important things about myself, and this awareness is changing the way I think. Every week is hard but there are moments of revelation that can touch my core being in some small way. I am resigned to accepting the place I now find myself in and waiting for each new piece of a complex jigsaw to let me see the picture representing my life’s totality. Without other activities to lift my spirits, this might be too difficult for me to bear but there are points in my week that lift me. I sing with a male voice choir, and I swim twice a week but most importantly on Monday nights I get down to Pontefract AMC to talk things through with men who are now my friends and my support. Last night I had a message from my counsellor saying he couldn’t meet me today because he had covid. This was a real blow and left me feeling desperate. I talked at length about this at AMC and the fellas listened and gave me support. I knew they understood and could feel my pain and that helped. I now have a week to wait until I can start to work my way through this therapy but next Monday, I will be at AMC again asking for and offering help.  

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