January Blues

 

The mental problems I have today began in my childhood. I grew up pretending to be brave but lacking the reassurance that I needed to help me cope. In my family, you were expected to laugh things off. We never talked about our worries. I was never told, ‘Don’t worry everything will be all right’ because I didn’t confide my fears. This left me feeling that I had no firm base to be decisive and confident. This emptiness inside me led to self-doubt and left a gap in my emotions that should have been filled with certainty. This robbed me of genuine strength and belief in myself. Despite this, I made a success of my life and rose to the highest ranks in my job. Others could see my ability and strength, but I still doubted it. When I suffered from anxiety my response was to fight the feelings. I tried to make myself physically strong so I could defy the emotional gap. Needing to be strong brought its own anxieties so being injured or ill produced phobic reactions.  Catching COVID this Christmas has brought everything to a head over the past three weeks. I felt fearful that I wouldn't get better and even as I am recovering a sudden moment of exhaustion can make me incredibly anxious. There is no logic in any of this, but this phobia feels very real to me. So, the emptiness, the gap remains, and I am now trying to deal with it. When I'm down and anxious I still want someone to put their arms around me. To tell me that everything will be okay. That I am not alone. I now know that I can’t fight these feelings and it is my responsibility to deal with this dilemma. This awareness is new to me and in its own way a frightening prospect. The close comfort that should have happened as I grew up can’t be injected into me like a vaccine. I have to find a way of bridging the gap in my emotions. No one can do this for me, and I accept that for the moment I am alone in this endeavour. At last, I am beginning to understand what I need to do but there is no map and no going back.

 

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