I have nothing to prove

All my life I have tried to compensate for the anxieties and feelings of inadequacy learnt in childhood, by being the best I could be in everything I did. This has created an enormous burden on me, and the suppression of my feelings gave rise to anxiety and depression. My ‘child within’ became a tyrant and corrupted my adult self. I failed to live down the feelings of inadequacy and vulnerability generated when I was young, so my adult self was constantly trying to prove its worth by seeking perfection and success. Instead of accepting and being kind to myself I fought the feelings and attempted to make myself strong and resilient and prove my childhood critics wrong. No one could get up every day and fight these feelings. Denying and trying somehow to prove those feelings wrong is utterly exhausting. Through Transactional Analysis I have begun to understand what I am putting myself through and this morning I feel a difference in my attitude. I am still anxious and low but I can see that fighting is not the answer and accepting is the beginning of getting better. Fighting and accepting are words that I have used in the past without fully appreciating what they meant. I hope this time I will be able to turn my life around and be kind to myself. I know that this is only the beginning of what might be a torturous process, but it will be worth the effort. It will require patience, which I don’t have, and determination which I do have. It will be hard, and I will need help but I will get there.

 

Comments

  1. AnonymousFebruary 18, 2023 at 9:46 PM

    I read posts from someone who says something similar in that we learn to suppress the inner child and then at some point, after years of punishing our inner selves we have a crisis as the inner child bubbles to the surface to protest it’s needs. The inner child is the real us!!! Rather than trying to suppress it, work with your problems and see them as your inner needs trying desperately to kick you back on the right path for your inner wellbeing. Others give us inferiority complexes that we then set about disproving. I think accepting our self as we are and liking ourself is key to inner peace and happiness. Be yourself no matter what anyone says

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    1. A bit braveFebruary 19, 2023 at 8:43 AM

      There are many versions of how the mind works. I am using Transactional analysis which devides the ego into three. Parent, child and adult. The adult is the real me and the child and parent can contaminate the adult. The child is who I was and I must now let the adult take charge. The important thing is to see a structure that works for me and make sense it. Time will tell.

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