Finding Comfort

 

After two years of intense therapy, I find myself down and confused but with a much greater understanding of why I suffer from anxiety and depression. Reading relevant books has also informed me of what I am dealing with and how to change but there remains a danger of overwhelming myself with ideas.

So, what do I know that I didn’t two years ago?

Sunday morning and I am safe. I am in my own home and am financially secure. Nothing can hurt me or make me ill. I am safe. I am not obliged to do anything, and I can accept my past with the knowledge that I now understand the journey I have been on. I can begin to heal the wounds I have recently discovered and for so long suppressed. I Am Safe. I can begin to show bravery differently. I don’t need to pretend. I can just be myself and do as I wish. I have nothing to prove. I can tell myself that I’m OK and believe it. I don't have to fight my illness. I AM SAFE.

For so long I have felt alone but I can change this. I miss my family and it would be easy to feel neglected, but I have to find comfort in knowing that they are there and do care. Circumstances restrict how often we can meet. I understand that my wife loves me and gives me what she can but, at times, our ill health can strain our relationship. She has been my companion for all these years and that gives me solus. I try to give her my support and love, but I also must protect and support myself. 

For years I have tried to please and care for everyone. I see now that this is inappropriate, and I must present myself to the world ‘warts and all’, and expect to be loved for who I am. This has to be the authentic adult.

There are no quick solutions and even though I am more aware of all the factors that affect my mental health, I still struggle to make progress. I hope in time that I will find comfort and gain some resolution to the thoughts that beset me. 

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