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Unease

  Unease All my life I have lived with a feeling of unease. I’m sure it has come from when I was very young but troubles in my life have made it worse. I think that the little boy needed to be told everything was alright and he was safe but that never happened. When I feel anxious now, it is coming from that little boy, and I have to let him know he is safe. Looking back I can remember moments when I felt upset and didn’t know why. My Mum was playing patience on the kitchen table, and I had my toys on the floor. Just the two of us neither speaking. The house was silent and I should have felt safe but I felt edgy. That all changed when my dad and brothers came home because the house was suddenly full of noise and activity. When I was fourteen I remember waiting at school for a friend before going home. It was winter and a dull early evening, and I suddenly felt down. These moments occurred throughout my life until the anxiety and depression appeared with full force when I was in my fo
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Finding Comfort

  After two years of intense therapy, I find myself down and confused but with a much greater understanding of why I suffer from anxiety and depression. Reading relevant books has also informed me of what I am dealing with and how to change but there remains a danger of overwhelming myself with ideas. So, what do I know that I didn’t two years ago? Sunday morning and I am safe. I am in my own home and am financially secure. Nothing can hurt me or make me ill. I am safe . I am not obliged to do anything, and I can accept my past with the knowledge that I now understand the journey I have been on. I can begin to heal the wounds I have recently discovered and for so long suppressed . I Am Safe. I can begin to show bravery differently. I don’t need to pretend. I can just be myself and do as I wish. I have nothing to prove. I can tell myself that I’m OK and believe it. I don't have to fight my illness. I AM SAFE. For so long I have felt alone but I can change this. I miss my fami
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AMC the patchwork quilt

 Andy’s Man Club is like a patchwork quilt. It is made up of lots of different bits that come together to make something positive and functional. Last night I talked to people suffering from grief, family problems, physical ill health, and deep emotional trauma. Some had little to say, and some spoke at length. Most men in the group were gentle types who might not speak out in other situations. Some are content that their comments, brief as they are, are taken seriously and advice given. Often advice is redundant since they just need to say out loud how they are feeling. Those of us who are in long-term therapy can talk endlessly about the small steps we are taking to recover from childhood trauma. It is fascinating to listen to each contribution and to know we are making a difference. It is always good to meet new members but also to rotate people in the groups so that we all get to know each other. Not everyone moves groups because the lead Facilitator understands that some people ne
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Surviving the Christmas Period

  For many, Christmas is a joyous time but for others, it can bring loneliness and heartache. I think of all those people on the streets, the families with no money and little food. We live in an affluent society but there are still the ‘haves and have-nots’. I suppose I am in the group of ‘haves’ so that Christmas brings no financial worries or anxiety about buying presents for those I love. I fall into a very different category hard for any outsider to perceive from casual observation. I should be looking forward to this break, but I don’t want a break because it will simply magnify the isolation I feel. Two weeks with no AMC will be hard because I need to talk about how I feel. Nearly three weeks without singing in my choir will be an ordeal since this is one of my pleasures and a great distraction. It lifts me and keeps me buoyant for days. Also, I usually speak to my counsellor on a Tuesday, and this year that will be Boxing Day and he won’t be available. When you suffer from anxi
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Isaac's Birthday

 It is that time of year again. Dark and short days and cold weather keeping us indoors. We can look forward to Christmas and for some, there is pleasure in the anticipation of family celebrations and the reaching of the shortest day with a promise of spring to come. But Christmas can be hard for many people. Those who are struggling to keep warm, those on the streets, and those who are dealing with illness and loss. There will be people on their own and people who are struggling with depression who can see little joy in the world around them. For me and those I love, Christmas is a time for celebrating but also remembering. Christmas and birthdays were Isaac’s great love and now he has been taken from us it is easy to believe that those wonderful days are somehow tarnished. His excitement was infectious, and we all bathed in his childlike delight. It’s almost two years since we lost Isaac and today would have been his 25 th birthday. I miss him so much and feel very down this morning
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Decorating

 Just when I think I’m getting a grip on my mental health, I find circumstances change and I’m plunged into a mental crisis. It started with an innocuous agreement that we needed a new couch. That didn’t seem too bad, but it didn’t end there. We have now bought a new couch to be delivered on the 30 th of November, a new carpet to be delivered on the 15 th of November, and a new chair, to be delivered on the 27 th of November. We had the old fireplace removed, the chimney breast replastered, and a new fire surround fitted in October. My wife has painted all the walls in the long sitting room/diner and my role included the removal of the carpets and underlay and taking them to the recycling centre. Also, all the books and small furniture had to be carried upstairs and now fill the landing and spare room.  I thought that if we brought in professional help and did not try to do everything ourselves, I would cope much better, but I found myself in a very anxious state this morning. Tryin
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My Transactional Analysis script.

  According to transactional analysis, we create a script between the ages of zero and five. This is called our life script. It is a script based on the perception that, in order to be safe or loved we need to ‘be’ a certain way. It is created in moments of distress when the young child is feeling scared and wants to make sure they stay alive. As babies, toddlers, and young children, we did not understand choices and consequences. However, we understood that certain behaviours made our main carers aware of us. This resulted in hugs, kindness, worrying, Nappy changes, or feeding from Mum and Dad. Our strategies worked! As adults, when we are confronted with a problem, we can either use the full power of our grown-up thinking or we can go into script, the one created long ago. If we move into script, we will make reality fit the world we created as infants. We may catastrophize our problem and maybe even lose the ability to interpret some aspects of the real issue objectively. So,
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