A bit brave

  My daughter told me that when things are bad for everyone, I don’t have to pretend that everything will be OK. She said, it’s OK not to be OK, and I don’t have to play the protective father.   I thought that this was sound advice, and it represented a different way of looking at my world. It was later that I realised my words of encouragement were meant to cheer me up. I have grown up always expecting to look on the bright side, laugh things off, and keep my emotions in check. Look where that’s got me! Thirty years of depression and anxiety. The CBT therapy I have undergone seems to suit me because finding the positives in any situation, is what I do. So, what’s the problem? There are things about my character that prevent me from making decisions that will improve my life. There aren’t always positives to find in some situations and the more appropriate response would be anger or acceptance. I understand that if I just dismiss things, they will come back to bite me but I ha...

  Primary School He can’t read so he must be thick. He never reads so he will never improve. There is no encouragement at home to read. He is scolded and shamed for not being able to read. Going to bed late every night meant he is always tired. He never felt an affinity with his teachers. His parents were not academic, with little connection to schooling and in any case, his mum and dad were busy making a living to support three sons. One brother was bright and the other was disinterested and a rebel and the bright brother was advocated by his parents as the model to follow. How on earth did he pass the 11-plus? Today he would have been diagnosed with dyslexia. Grammar School At the Grammer school, they tried to change his values. He felt uncomfortable but held in his fear, pretending to be brave. He felt in a sort of no man’s land. The school was very different from his experiences at home. He watched the middle-class boys, who were bright, self-assured, and socially confide...

There is no place for looking on the bright side and I’m told that if you don’t grieve for someone then that grief is added to the next time you lose a loved one. So, I’m learning to grieve for those who recently passed but also for those I’ve lived without for decades. Isaac my grandson, my mum and dad, and brothers Jack and Harry. From my family that lived at 26 Coleridge Road, I'm the only one left so I am allowed to be sad. Watching my dad on video for the first time in 40 years and spending time collecting photos of him for the village history, has brought me close to him. In the past, I felt disconnected and impartial about him and his life, but the photos, combined with my counselling have made him more real. I realise that I have never really grieved for him or admired his strength and resilience. I do miss him although I’m not sure he would understand what I am going through. I also miss my brother Jack and am grieving for my little family that lived in Coleridge Road fo...

  For months I had been trying to do two jobs at work, covering for my boss but also looking after things at home to help my wife to look after her ailing mother. The skin on my forehead began to peel and I felt utterly exhausted. The doctor told me to go home and rest so, I was lying in bed trying to recover from stress and exhaustion when my wife told me that my boss was going to be forced to retire. Once I wasn’t there to prop him up things were unravelling. I felt helpless and was certain that I had lost the job I had spent my life working towards. I lay in bed and slowly the anxiety crept over me. I wasn’t conscious of the thought but somewhere there was the thought that had hounded me all my life. Everyone was correct about me, I was useless. Kay came into the bedroom, took one look at me, and said that we should go to see our doctor. The doctor prescribed a relaxant and that night I felt better. The following day I got out of bed and worked in the garden. I felt Okay but lat...

Adult: Why do you haunt me with your fears? Child: They are your fears as well, but you always try to run away. Adult: What do you mean? Child: When I need you, you go off and sing or swim or play golf. Anything but talking to me and giving me reassurance. Adult: But I don’t know how to do that. I only know how to pretend that everything’s OK. To laugh things off or keep busy. I was taught that men are strong and show a brave face to the world so when the anxiety comes, you are on your own. When I’m busy I can forget about you. Child: But in time that won’t help either of us. I need to tell everyone how I feel but you won’t let me. I need to tell you how I feel. Adult: But I am improving at that. I let you talk to the Samaritans, to the therapist, and sometimes at AMC. Child: You don’t let me. When you are tearful you can’t stop me. You need me to speak out just like I need you to be strong. Am I an embarrassment to you? ADULT: No no, I love you, but I’m not equipped to...

  Where’s the Man in the suit? I am undergoing psychodynamic therapy and once a week I spend my time exploring the traumas of my past and the person I am today. I find myself talking about my inner child who is responsible for the pain I am feeling and the man in the suit who represents the man that people see (The Headteacher as I was). This man is strong and resourceful. This is the man who has seen his wife and family through difficult times. This is the man who has faced his worse fears and got on with his life. When I tried Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, this man was easy to locate because he provided the rationality needed to find the positives. What CBT couldn’t help me with was connecting the child to the adult and that was the only way I thought I might deal with my phobia about pain and injury. To some people, this may sound like psychobabble, but it makes sense to me.   At the moment the psychodynamic therapy seems more about the wretchedness of the child and the ma...

 Despite my illness, I have triumphed over some impossible situations. Reading aloud: I eventually learned to read and write extremely well and accomplished so much academically and literarily. Acne: made me shy and introverted but there were girls who liked me and wanted to go out with me and one special one who I married. I now enjoy the company of women and I’m comfortable with myself. My early years were quite difficult, but I came through them and now wish to address the demons that remain from that time. We experienced an impossible time in 1971. I felt completely alone and unsupported, but I got my family through it. There were after-effects that came back to haunt us, but we survived and moved forward. When I had my breakdown I lay in bed with anxiety crawling over me, but I got up and set about getting back to work. With my wife’s help, I succeeded and had twelve years doing a very difficult job that I loved. Throughout this time my wife was strong and took on th...